What I Will NOT Be Doing On My Vacation

Well, me and my lady are about to head off for vacation. We're going to Florida, the Tampa area to be specific. Just in time to avoid the oil slick that is totally the fault of the envirowackos and Obama. Being childless (due to low sperm motility), me and my lady have freedom to do anything we want in the Palmetto State, be it eating out at a really nice restaurant, drinking Diet Cokes on the beach, eating nachos poolside, or having a casual brunch at our favorite spot, Applebee's.

We are really looking forward to this trip, but I can assure what we will NOT be doing....imbibing alcohol. I am totally against the evil nectar, given my past "issues" and inability to control myself. Since I cannot drink, I give my lady stern looks when she orders a Zima or sangria. If I am unable to cut loose like that, she should suffer with me. But even if she does down a few wine coolers, I know she will control herself (like I couldn't) and will avoid getting on inflatable rafts on the Gulf. The same cannot be said for Jerry Whipple of the Tampa area.

Everyone knows it's not safe to drink and drive. Better beware of drinking and getting on a pool float, too.

Especially if you're in the Gulf of Mexico.

The U.S. Coast Guard on Wednesday afternoon rescued a man on a pool float who had drifted about a mile out into the gulf.

The man, identified as Jerry Whipple, is "suspected of being extremely inebriated," said Petty Officer First Class Mariana O'Leary.

"The message here is this guy got lucky. He got really lucky," O'Leary said. "Depending on what the tides and currents are doing, he could have never been seen again."

According to the Coast Guard spokeswoman, a Good Samaritan who was on his 22-foot recreational boat called in to report an unconscious man floating well offshore.

When officials with the Coast Guard and a Clearwater Fire Rescue unit arrived about 12:20 p.m., they found the man unconscious on the float. He was wearing a life jacket.

He later regained consciousness and was taken to paramedics waiting at Coast Guard Station Sand Key.

Whipple, whose age and address were unknown Wednesday, was taken to Largo Medical Center with non life-threatening injuries, said Clearwater Fire spokeswoman Beth Watts.

We plan on visiting Marvene, who has a nice condo down in that area. I will ask her if she knows old Jerry Whipple. She seems to know a lot of the drunks down there, so they may have crossed paths before.

Bristol Palin - Oscar Bound

Well I'm going to tame the CLF boys here a little bit before the CIA shuts this place down. And what better way to do it than some excellent fine arts...also known as ACTING! I know...I know, most actors are lame, tree-hugging pansies like Sean Penn who always plays lame-O, tree-hugging pansies. However, those on the conservative side are some of the finest Hollywood (or Hollyweird) has to offer - such as Jon Voight, Chuck Norris, the great Ronnie Reagan, and my favorite, Fred Thompson of Hunt for Red October fame.

But please forward your eyes, ears, and sensible tastes over to this clip of our newly budding conservative actor, Bristol Palin! I haven't seen this kind of acting debut since Tori Spelling on Saved By the Bell.



Great stuff, huh?

Why Regulating Business Sucks

Since Buck doesn't want to play "hide the hot dog" with me tonight on the final eve of our annual Assemblies of God Conservative Burly Men With Guns Apocalypse Preparedness... I mean Bunnies and Sunshine ONLY retreat (and we didn't bring any young boys to the retreat to play "hide the hot dog" with this year, either), I want to take a few moments to spell out the evils of regulation for the CLF's tremendous audience of fellow conservatives. Regulation gives the government the power to tell you that you can't sell whatever you want to whoever you want for the sole purpose of making money while screwing over some stupid liberal that really deserves it.

For instance, regulation may soon shut down the Assemblies of God "Jesus Youth Warriors" program. This community minded program purchases primarily white children (preferably boys) from poor people who don't go to Assemblies of God churches and brings them to our militaristic doomsday compound.. AHEM, education center where they are filled with food and scriptural training and other fun things from my pants... MY MIND: I meant to say mind! This is done in order to get them to love Jesus and penis... PROVERBS more than anything in this world. Our Jesus Youth Warriors are constantly engaged in the struggle against fundamentalist Islam. From the time they are able to ride bikes, we turn them loose on the community to look for dark skinned people that might even speak foreign languages. They follow them home, take down their address, toss a few methamphetamene making compounds in their backyard and immediately call the police to inform them of the seedy drug den in the neighborhood. This sucessful program called "Dope for Jesus" has led to the removal of fifty eight threats to national security in our small rural community alone! At one raid, we were even able to convince a single mom with three jobs being led away to sell us all five of her children to prepare her legal defense fund!

(Note to Potential Clients: We pay SUBSTANTIALLY LESS for females. They are sold into sex slavery in Mexico as women are totally WORTHLESS in Jesus Combat and far more valuable a commodity as third world hookers.... ummm, no we're giving them all brand new ponies! THAT'S what we REALLY do!)

This good, wholesome program has come under scrutiny by the local members of Child Protective Services! The government seems to think that being reared in an EXCEPTIONALLY LOVING (especially after bedtime) wholesome Christian environment is not a proper setting for young, nubile, mostly nude boys! It's shocking that the state would interfere with a program that is privately funded and keeps many househlolds off of welfare. This lack of welfare spending for the undeserving poor opens up our hard earned taxpayer dollars for more important things like tanks and bombs for Iran and two slingshots for the Iranian Invasion Fleet and the rubber raft that would be the invasion fleet and corporate welfare and tax breaks for the wealthy and big bank bailouts and corporate jets and death squads for liberals and cute boy pages for all of our conservative Congressmen! That stuff will do America a lot better than silly organiations that want "save kids from sexual abuse" when we're already saving kids by teaching them to be IRS building suicide bombers... uh, I mean appreciation committees!

My own churches programs aside, look at the natural gas industry. Following deregulation, poor customers of a brand new natural gas provider in destitute War, West Virginia (who were probably so broke they didn't pay their bills) actually complained about service interruptions! In an era of regulation, the government would have made the smart people at the new company fix the problem, cutting in to their hard earned profits that they made by the sweat of their brow figuring out how to lie to Democrats. This was completely avoided by the deregulation legislation! America: 1; Stupid, Broke Democrats: 0! Some of these filthy, godless liberals even DIED as a result of the outages! America: 3; Stupid, Broke Democrats: -2!

You see, folks, America is all about the freedom of some really hot guy in a wicked good looking designer suit being able to screw some poor bastard who can't afford a suit directly in the backside for an hour and take his money, then buy another wicked suit with the money, declare it a business loss and have the government reimburse him for the new suit with the poor bastard's tax money. That's FREEDOM!

Bomb,Bomb, Bomb, Bomb, Bomb Iran!

As much as I have been enjoying the company of fellow exceptionally well-endowed and muscular conservative men during our two week annual domestic terrorism training... uh, I mean good-natured target shooting and camping retreat, I felt the need to post about the dangers of a nuclearly armed Iran and their threat to our way of life. While I don't like taking time away from my explosives... (COUGH!) I mean creative firestarting seminar and snuggling in the tent, err, I mean the exchange of completely heterosexual nude male bonding reverse hugs and spooning with my tent mate Buck, the threat posed by the evil Islamic Republic of Iran is important enough to make an exception.

Many international observers were badmouthing Israel for their recent blockade of "humanitarian" aid (all astute observers of the Bush years can tell you that food is most CERTAINLY a weapon, especially when it is denied to the starving enemy! Take that, North Korea!) to the evil residents of the terrorist controlled Gaza Strip. Despite the claims that no weapons were on board by the slanted, America hating Reporters Without Borders, every biscuit and vitamin pill can certainly be called a weapon of mass destruction. On top of that, the weapons left behind by illegally assaulted Israeli commandoes were still on board! REAL GUNS! We all know that no Muslim ANYWHERE, even those here in the U.S., shouldn't be allowed to own guns, because when people who aren't white and Christian own guns they are weapons of mass destruction.

The evil Islamic Republic of Iran threatened to break the blockade and allow all of that dangerous oatmeal gruel to enter Gaza and stop the planned starvation of the Palestinians by the Israelis that IN NO WAY RESEMBLES the treatment of the Jews in concentration camps by Nazi Germany. In order to keep the peace, Israel decided to let the undeserved nourishment in.

Why did the Israelis back down? Their plan of starvation for Palestine would have finally brought peace to the Middle East! If all the Palestinians were dead, no one would be complaining about Palestine anymore! Iran's destabilizing threat should be met with ABSOLUTE FORCE. BOTH soldiers who aren't currently serving in Afghanistan, Iraq, South Korea, and the Gulf of Mexico should be immediately deployed to Iran with the rubber raft and slingshot we as a country can afford to drop pellet bombs on the Iranian capital!

Actung!

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Lessons Learned from the Oil Spill

Hello all! Its been a while since we at the CLF have posted. As always, I am busy working at work, Michelle has her hands full with Spencer, Marvene has taken to some foo-foo pottery class, and all Fuido wants to do is hang out at the gun range. With regards to Winston, he's at some remote spot with a few other like-minded single men concerned with the government takeover of guns. I got a text message from him and it sounds like they're having a good time being in such close quarters without any female interference. So, as always, its up to me to break the CLF logjam and just get to posting.

And what better subject to talk about than the oil spill. See, this is clearly Obama's Katrina, given that it also occurred in the Gulf of Mexico. That right there is enough to call it Obama's Katrina. Nevermind that Bush's Katrina wasn't really his Katrina since it was all state and local government's fault. But regardless, Obama's Katrina is a way worse Katrina than Bush's Katrina, which was not really a Katrina. Anyway, you get my point.

So, the federal government clearly was not there at the site of the spill. What is it, day 46?? Bush took only 4 or 5 days to get to New Orleans, so already he is looking pretty good right now.

Then you got the evidence that this was all the environmentalists fault, as the very smart Sarah Palin said in her highly professional social networking pages. Clearly, it was the environmentalists who were pushing for deepwater extraction of oil and gas. There would have been no environmental impacts at ANWR, that is for sure. If they had just let them drill there (ANWR) then, they would not be drilling here (Gulf of Mexico) now.

Either way, the oil companies should be allowed to drill then and now, here and there, and everywhere. I do so like drilling here and now. I do so like it, without a doubt.

So this is a disaster for sure. Except the oceans will probably clean it up by itself. So we can all agree that the environment will be okay. And if its not, it because the federal government was just too involved.

I recently found this video from the very smart and wonky Michele Bachmann from 2008. She was one of the first drill here drill now proponents. As with Sarah Palin, I think you'll see that they were both just pushing for safe drilling in places like ANWR, not in risky offshore places.



I totally agree!! We ARE the Saudi Arabia of Oil. I know, I know...Saudi Arabia is the real Saudi Arabia of Oil, but we are the Saudi Arabia of Natural Gas and Coal, that is for sure. We could never be the Saudi Arabia of Wind or Solar though. That is just pansy, foo foo environmental whacko stuff.