Since Buck doesn't want to play "hide the hot dog" with me tonight on the final eve of our annual Assemblies of God Conservative Burly Men With Guns Apocalypse Preparedness... I mean Bunnies and Sunshine ONLY retreat (and we didn't bring any young boys to the retreat to play "hide the hot dog" with this year, either), I want to take a few moments to spell out the evils of regulation for the CLF's tremendous audience of fellow conservatives. Regulation gives the government the power to tell you that you can't sell whatever you want to whoever you want for the sole purpose of making money while screwing over some stupid liberal that really deserves it.
For instance, regulation may soon shut down the Assemblies of God "Jesus Youth Warriors" program. This community minded program purchases primarily white children (preferably boys) from poor people who don't go to Assemblies of God churches and brings them to our militaristic doomsday compound.. AHEM, education center where they are filled with food and scriptural training and other fun things from my pants... MY MIND: I meant to say mind! This is done in order to get them to love Jesus and penis... PROVERBS more than anything in this world. Our Jesus Youth Warriors are constantly engaged in the struggle against fundamentalist Islam. From the time they are able to ride bikes, we turn them loose on the community to look for dark skinned people that might even speak foreign languages. They follow them home, take down their address, toss a few methamphetamene making compounds in their backyard and immediately call the police to inform them of the seedy drug den in the neighborhood. This sucessful program called "Dope for Jesus" has led to the removal of fifty eight threats to national security in our small rural community alone! At one raid, we were even able to convince a single mom with three jobs being led away to sell us all five of her children to prepare her legal defense fund!
(Note to Potential Clients: We pay SUBSTANTIALLY LESS for females. They are sold into sex slavery in Mexico as women are totally WORTHLESS in Jesus Combat and far more valuable a commodity as third world hookers.... ummm, no we're giving them all brand new ponies! THAT'S what we REALLY do!)
This good, wholesome program has come under scrutiny by the local members of Child Protective Services! The government seems to think that being reared in an EXCEPTIONALLY LOVING (especially after bedtime) wholesome Christian environment is not a proper setting for young, nubile, mostly nude boys! It's shocking that the state would interfere with a program that is privately funded and keeps many househlolds off of welfare. This lack of welfare spending for the undeserving poor opens up our hard earned taxpayer dollars for more important things like tanks and bombs for Iran and two slingshots for the Iranian Invasion Fleet and the rubber raft that would be the invasion fleet and corporate welfare and tax breaks for the wealthy and big bank bailouts and corporate jets and death squads for liberals and cute boy pages for all of our conservative Congressmen! That stuff will do America a lot better than silly organiations that want "save kids from sexual abuse" when we're already saving kids by teaching them to be IRS building suicide bombers... uh, I mean appreciation committees!
My own churches programs aside, look at the natural gas industry. Following deregulation, poor customers of a brand new natural gas provider in destitute War, West Virginia (who were probably so broke they didn't pay their bills) actually complained about service interruptions! In an era of regulation, the government would have made the smart people at the new company fix the problem, cutting in to their hard earned profits that they made by the sweat of their brow figuring out how to lie to Democrats. This was completely avoided by the deregulation legislation! America: 1; Stupid, Broke Democrats: 0! Some of these filthy, godless liberals even DIED as a result of the outages! America: 3; Stupid, Broke Democrats: -2!
You see, folks, America is all about the freedom of some really hot guy in a wicked good looking designer suit being able to screw some poor bastard who can't afford a suit directly in the backside for an hour and take his money, then buy another wicked suit with the money, declare it a business loss and have the government reimburse him for the new suit with the poor bastard's tax money. That's FREEDOM!