Sunday, April 26, 2009

Debate Primer - Global Warming

Hello all. I hope you have been catching up with the latest posts here at CLF. Michelle has been putting up some excellent video of some of our greatest Republican stars in their fight against the evils of the global warming alarmacists. First, there was good ole Marsha Blackburn of Tennessee letting Gorey have it with rock-solid proof that he is only pushing this cap-n-trade stuff so he can profiteer. Then there's Michelle's personal favorite, Michelle Bachmann of Minnesota, who blows the lid off the global warming crazies with some indisputable facts that CO2 occurs in nature. Its amazing how reducing an argument to the simplest points can really be effective.

Anyway, these videos display two tactics in our three pronged approach at defeating the enviro-wackos who want to destroy our economy. I truly think our economy would not be in as bad a shape as it is if it wasn't for these crazies trying to push cap-n-trade. Well, there is still Barney Frank and Chris Dodd to blame, but the psychological aspects of getting off oil is probably enough to scare Wall Street a good bit. But lets get back to the prongs...

Prong 1: Claim Earth is not warming. This is most effective when it is cold outside, like the past 2 Winters we've had in the valley. This way we can talk about how all those scientists were worried about Global Cooling, like, 2 years ago. And when its cold here, it doesn't matter if there are heat waves in the Southern Hemisphere or ice shelves dislodging from Antarctica. All politics is local.

Prong 2: Admit Earth is warming, but not because of CO2. When the Summer comes, prong #1 must be discarded as all politics remains local. However, there's a treasure trove of things to blame for any warming: solar radiation, natural cycles, methane from cows, etc. Be sure to mention that Greenland was called Greenland because it was green, which means that it was much warmer, and thus greener, when Greenland was first named Greenland. I hope you follow me, I know this can get a little hairy.

Prong 3: Take no position on whether the Earth is warming or cooling, simply deflect to a boogeyman. A good person to attack is Al Gore, or Gorey, as some real smart people call him. Gorey is always flying around in fancy jets and using lots of energy in his mansions. I also heard a story that Gorey used to kill puppies for fun and burned them in a coal-fired incinerator he had in his basement. I would like Gorey to explain to me how puppy exhaust can be good for the environment, but driving my SUV is somehow sinful. Also talk about carbon credits, or cap-n-trade, and how it is just a clever ruse for Gorey to enrich himself while the lights go out and everyone has to fell all the trees just to heat their houses due to the Global Cooling (see Prong 1).

I have summarized this debate methodology in the following graphical illustration.

Whenever one debate tactic fails or is inconvenient, simply go to another tactic, or prong. And all prongs can be supported by the totally consistent fact that dinosaur flatulence caused warming and produced CO2 levels way beyond what we see now. The dinosaurs liked it warm. But that was way back in history, like over 4000 years ago, which was near the beginning of the Earth.


Fuido Pandudi said...

Listen, you cannot blame global warming on the dinosaurs. I knew a guy by the name of Gashouse McFart that I'm sure contributed to at least 50% of the global warming. Since I was born in the jungles of Ecuador, I'm partial to warm weather and welcome global warming. Furthermore, since I live in Central Florida, with global warming my property will become oceanfront soon. Happy days.

Bachmann2012 said...

But it was snowing in Charleston a couple months ago. So much for global warming!

Reggie N. said...

Exactly Michelle. Look, it was hot the past couple days, now its slightly colder and raining. So much for global warming, heh!

Fuido, if Dinosaur flatulance didn't cause or contribute to global warming, then how do you explain the Great Flood? You see, the Dinosaur flatulence (I do not approve of you using the other "f" word BTW) caused warming, which increased cloud cover, evaporation, and thus excessive rainfall. Noah knew this and would not let ole Bronty and T Rex on his boat. He was considering letting in Triceretops, because he was cool and my favorite dinosaur growing up, but later thought wiser of it.

That's why the only dinosaurs left living are the ones who could swim (alligators) or fly (birds). Hope this clears up the science for you. For more, I recommend the Creation Museum in Kentucky. My lady and I are planning another trip this Summer to hone up on the facts.


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